Talking to each other all the time, sharing hobbies and denying yourself everything for the sake of your children is not necessary.
The rules of a happy relationship are a popular topic for articles and discussions. But if universal advice existed and stereotypes worked 100 percent of the time, there would be nothing to talk about. In fact, every family situation is unique, and only you can determine which principles will be relevant to you. Whereas it’s easy to make mistakes in the pursuit of an abstract ideal relationship.
Here are a few universally accepted rules that you can and should break with a light heart.
1. You need to share each other’s hobbies
If you do not have anything in common, then when the first passions subside, it really can become a problem. However, do not expect complete coincidence of hobbies. Having different hobbies and interests is perfectly normal. And to keep something personal, belonging only to you, is also useful. This avoids dissolving into your partner and promotes healthy autonomy.
In the end, the relationship can end. That said, some hobbies and hobbies should remain part of your identity, not just a couple’s tradition. Otherwise, you will find yourself not only without a partner, but also without personal interests unrelated to his/her persona. This is a sad situation that does not allow you to distract yourself from your favorite activities, because everything around reminds you of the completed relationship. It’s much better if even without the Iron Man suit you are still a playboy, millionaire and philanthropist.
You can not get into the hobbies of others – leave the other alone, and yourself. You do not have to feel enthusiasm for birdwatching or soccer just because it interests your loved one. But if you care about your partner, you can feel warm feelings about being inspired and excited about it. Even if they are doing something that you wouldn’t do even if they paid you to do it.
2. A couple should have a common space.
In Sparks of Joy, Japanese cleaning expert Marie Kondo advises to surround yourself with things that bring positive emotions. For singles, this is a fairly easy task. But when territory has to be shared with someone else, other people’s things can cause real resentment. For example, if the partner collects souvenirs that seem ugly to you, or clutters up the corridor with equipment, the purpose of which for you is unclear.
In this case, Marie Kondo advises to touch the guilty items and imagine what emotions they evoke in your loved one. This helps to develop empathy, and at the same time come to terms with the things that annoy you, but dear or useful to your partner. And if it’s not possible to overcome rejection, you should separate the space so that everyone has a place where you can do anything.
Let each have his own corner for storing personal belongings and his own office.
To do this, do not necessarily have a huge house. It’s enough to competently zoning out the room, making use of appropriate storage systems and those parts of the apartment that are usually not taken into account, such as the loggia.
This applies not only to adults, but also to children. It is much easier to clean your toys if they have their own home with a permanent address.
3. Thoughts and feelings should be shared.
Total honesty and complete separation of feelings – it is a wonderful illusion, which, however, encroaches on personal freedom and can cause fights over nothing.
The need to voice to a partner all thoughts and retell the slightest mental movements can indicate that personal boundaries are blurred. Sometimes this happens with people who did not fully separate from their overprotective parents, and then projected their relationship with them onto their partner. Awareness of the dialogue (Why am I saying this to the other, what reaction do I expect?) is reduced in this case. Whereas a harmoniously mature person begins to take personal responsibility for his or her emotional state and thinks about how meaningful people will perceive his or her words.
Suppose, life suddenly seemed dull and meaningless, or you were visited by doubts about whether you are a good couple. Voicing their not fully formed negative experiences, you can sigh with relief and go to sleep. But the mood of the other person will be spoiled, or he will make a far-reaching conclusions. In this case, your mindset can completely change tomorrow.
Speak on potentially serious topics, when you have already decided what you want to say and why. And a therapist or psychoanalyst is better suited for solving your internal problems than your partner.
Important: The rule does not work if you are depressed. In that case, it really is better to talk.
4. Problems are better to solve in bed.
Myths about marital relations: Problems are better solved in bed.
Among our close relatives – chimpanzees – there is a species of bonobo that prefers to resolve all disagreements through mating. Moreover, even members of the same sex do so. As a result, the level of aggression in their communities is evident.
