Popular author Mark Manson asked readers of his blog to share relationship tips. More than 1,500 people wrote to him about their experiences. And using this material, Mark derived the basic rules of sustainable relationships.
But first, it’s worth remembering the reasons why you shouldn’t start one at all:
Pressure from family or friends.
Loneliness.
Naive infatuation. When it seems that love is the solution to all problems and the only meaning of life.
Insecurities or complexes. This inevitably leads to an unhealthy relationship: we love our partner only as long as he makes us feel better. And under such conditions real intimacy cannot emerge.
1 Be realistic.
Real love is not at all like romantic love, which makes us ignore our partner’s faults. It’s a choice. It’s the constant support of the other person regardless of the prevailing circumstances. It is the understanding that your relationship will not always be unclouded. It is the need to deal with your partner’s problems, his fears and thoughts, even when you do not want to.
Such love is more prosaic, it requires from the partners much more effort. But nevertheless, it gives a person much more. After all, in the end, it brings real happiness, and not another short-lived euphoria.
2. Respect each other
This is the main thing in a relationship. Not attraction, not common goals, not religion or even love. There will be times when you start to feel like you don’t love each other at all anymore. But if you lose respect for your partner, you will never get it back.
Communication, no matter how open and frequent it would be, in any case, at some point will come to a standstill. There is no way to avoid conflicts and resentments.
The only thing that will save your relationship is unwavering respect. Without this, you will always doubt each other’s intentions, judge your partner’s choices and try to limit their independence.
In addition, you need to respect yourself. Without self-respect you will not be able to feel that you deserve the respect of your partner. You will be constantly trying to prove that you are worthy of it, and as a result you will only hurt your relationship.
Never complain about your partner to friends.
If you are dissatisfied with something in his behavior, discuss it with him himself, not with friends and relatives.
Respect the fact that your partner may have interests, hobbies and views that differ from yours.
Respect the opinion of your half. Do not forget that you are a team. If one person is dissatisfied, then seek a solution together.
Do not keep everything inside, discuss any problems. You should not have forbidden subjects for conversation.
Respect is directly connected with trust. And trust is the foundation of any relationship (not just romantic). Without it, there can be no sense of intimacy and serenity.
3. Discuss any problems.
If you are not happy with something, talk about it. For you, no one will fix your relationship. The main thing to preserve trust is the absolute honesty and openness of both partners.
Share your doubts and fears, especially those of which you do not tell anyone else. This will not only help heal some of the wounds of the soul, but also to better understand your partner.
Keep your promises. The only way to rebuild trust is to keep your word.
Learn to distinguish between your partner’s suspicious behavior and your own complexes. Usually during quarrels one person thinks his behavior is perfectly normal, while the other person thinks the same thing is categorically wrong.
Trust is somewhat like a porcelain plate. If it falls and breaks, with great difficulty it can still be glued back together. If you break it again, there will be twice as many pieces, and it will take more time and effort to put them back together. But if you drop the plate again and again, in the end, it will break into such small pieces that it will be impossible to glue them back together.
4. Don’t Try to Control Each Other
We often hear that relationships require sacrifice. There is some truth in it: sometimes you do have to give up something. But if both partners are constantly sacrificing themselves, they are unlikely to be happy. That kind of relationship will only end up hurting them both.
Each person must be an independent individual with his own views and interests.
Trying to control your partner to make them happy (or letting them control their own actions) won’t do any good.
Some people are afraid to give their partner freedom and independence. This may be due to a lack of trust or insecurity. The less we value ourselves, the more we will try to control our partner’s behavior.
5. Be prepared for both of you to change.
You and your partner will change over time – it’s completely natural. That’s why it’s important to always be aware of the changes and respect them.
If you plan to spend several decades together, you need to be prepared for difficulties and unforeseen situations.
Among the significant changes that many couples face may be a change of religion and political views, a move to another country, the death of relatives (including children).
When you begin dating, you only know what that person is like now. You have no way of knowing what he will be like in five or 10 years. So you have to be prepared for the unexpected. Of course, this is not easy. But it can help to know how to fight.
6. Learn how to fight.
Psychologist John Gottman (John Gottman) has identified four signs of behavior that point to a possible breakup:
– Character criticism (You’re stupid instead of You did something stupid).
– Shifting blame.
– Insults.
– Walking away from an argument and ignoring your partner.
That’s why it pays to learn how to fight properly:
– Don’t bring up previous scandals during one fight. This will not solve anything, but only make the situation worse.
– If the quarrel heats up, stop. Go outside and walk around for a while. Go back to the conversation only when you have cooled down.
– Remember, being right in an argument is not as important as feeling that you were listened to with respect.
– Don’t try to avoid arguments. Say what’s bothering you and admit what’s bothering you.
7. Learn to forgive.
Don’t try to change your partner-it’s a sign of disrespect. Accept the fact that you have disagreements, love the person in spite of them and try to forgive.
But how do you learn to forgive?
When the fight is over, it doesn’t matter who was right and who was wrong. Put all conflicts in the past instead of remembering them every month.
There is no need to keep score. There should be no winners and losers in a relationship. Everything should be done and given freely, that is, without manipulation and expectation of something in return.
When your partner makes a mistake, separate his behavior from his intentions. Don’t forget what you value and love about your partner. Everyone makes mistakes. And if a person makes a mistake, it doesn’t mean he secretly hates you and wants to break up.
8. Be pragmatic.
Any relationship isn’t perfect, because we’re not perfect either. So be pragmatic: determine what each of you are good at, what you like and do not like to do, and then assign duties.
In addition, many couples are advised to define some rules in advance. For example, how will you divide all expenses? How much are you willing to borrow? How much can each partner spend without consulting the other? What should you be sure to buy together? How will you decide where to go on vacation?
Some people even hold annual reports, during which they discuss running things and decide what to change in the household. It certainly sounds trivial, but this approach really helps to be aware of your partner’s needs and strengthens the relationship.
9. Remember the little things.
Simple signs of attention, compliments and support mean a lot. All these little things accumulate over time and affect how you perceive your relationship. Therefore, many people advise to continue to go on dates, go out on weekends and be sure to make time for sex, even when you’re tired. Physical intimacy not only allows you to maintain a healthy relationship, but even helps to fix it when something has gone wrong.
This becomes especially important with the arrival of children. In today’s culture, one almost prays on them. It is believed that parents have to sacrifice everything for them.
The best guarantee that children will grow up healthy and happy is a healthy and happy parent-child relationship.
So let your relationship always come first.
10. Learn to catch the wave.
Relationships can be compared to waves on the sea. Such waves are different emotions, ups and downs in a relationship. Some last only a few hours, others last a few months or even years.
The main thing is not to forget that these waves themselves hardly reflect the quality of the relationship. They are influenced by many external factors: loss or change of job, death of relatives, moves, financial difficulties. You just have to catch the wave together with your partner, no matter where it takes you.
