Clear instruction on the example of domestic conflict.
In any relationship, sooner or later disagreements arise: the boss does not pay for overtime work, neighbors listen to music at maximum volume and disturb sleep, a partner ignores his part of household duties. Often the discussion of the problem takes place in heated tones: the participants argue, turn to personalities, accuse each other. It would seem that the best way to preserve the relationship is to avoid conflict situations. However, in this case, the problem will not be solved, and the negative emotions will accumulate like a snowball and may burst out at an inopportune moment.
There is a way to constructively resolve disagreements that Kerry Patterson, Joseph Grenney, Ron McMillan and Al Switzler have written about in their book, Difficult Dialogues. The authors offer simple tools that allow you to calmly discuss problems and find solutions that benefit all parties to the conflict.
Let’s use the recommendations from the book on the example of a domestic conflict of the conditional couple – Irina and Oleg.
The essence of the conflict – the uneven distribution of household chores: Irina takes on most of the work, while Oleg grudgingly performs some tasks, but often finds excuses. Irina considers this arrangement unfair: both work, which means that they should do the house together. The girl wants to talk to her husband and redistribute duties equally.
How to behave in a conflict situation
1. Start with yourself.
As honestly and in detail as possible answer the questions.
What do I want as a result of the conflict for myself? For example: I want more time to relax and enjoy my favorite activities, I want a fair distribution of household chores.
What do I want to get as a result of the conflict for my opponent? For example: I want Oleg to have time for rest and favorite activities.
What do I want to achieve for our relationship? For example: I want cleaning not to be a reason to fight anymore, I want to spend more time together.
Questions will help sort out your true motives, and consciously approach the dialogue. I want Oleg to help with cleaning in our example is only a strategy for achieving real goals – equality in everyday life and free time.
2. Watch for signals.
In a conflict, it is important that the parties feel safe. In this case, the participants communicate as equals: calmly, frankly and respectfully. However, conflicts are often accompanied by strong emotions and sometimes it can be difficult to understand from which point the conversation has gone the wrong way.
There are a number of signs that will help you recognize the moment of loss of trust and safety in time.
Physical reactions: clenched fists, shifted eyebrows, tears in the eyes, lump in the throat, voice trembling.
Emotions: fear, resentment, anger, sadness.
Behavior: indifference, getting out of the dialogue, being categorical, labeling, insults, threats.
3. Restore safety.
When you’ve picked up on dangerous signals, it’s time to restore safety.
Apologize if you’ve lost your temper or if you’ve been disrespectful to the person you’re talking to.
If the person you’re talking to misunderstood you, explain what you really mean: I don’t mean to say you’re lazy, I notice and appreciate your help. What I mean is, since we both work, it would be fair to divide household chores equally.
Find a common goal that is in the interests of both parties: Let’s think about how to keep order with a minimum of effort.
4. Control your emotions
When we are overwhelmed by strong feelings, it is difficult to continue the conversation in a constructive way. Sometimes fear, resentment, or anger are so strong that you want to quit the conversation altogether. To avoid falling into the trap of emotion, ask yourself questions that help you look at the situation differently. Let’s look at unproductive behavioral strategies and ways to change them.
Victim – It’s not my fault.
The question to ask yourself is, Am I trying to overlook my role in creating this problem?
Spending my free time cleaning is Irina’s choice. It’s not my fault she doesn’t have enough time to relax.
Am I not trying to overlook my role in creating this problem?
If I had helped Irina, she would have had more time to rest. Right now she simply has no other option-otherwise the house will get messy.
The villain is It’s all your fault.
The question to ask yourself is, Why would a reasonable, decent and rational person do this?
Oleg looks for excuses not to participate in the cleanup because he is lazy.
Why would a reasonable, decent, and rational person do such a thing?
At the beginning of the month, Oleg said that his boss assigned him an important task with a burning deadline. Since then, he hasn’t slept well and stayed late at work. Maybe he’s tired.
Helpless – There’s nothing more I can do in this situation.
The question to ask yourself is, What can I do to move toward achieving what I want?
I can’t change Oleg’s mind; I’ll have to clean up my own mess.
What can I do to move toward achieving what I want?
I’ll create an environment where cleaning is easy and fun. I will shorten my cleaning time with modern technology. I will delegate some of the work to a cleaning service.
5. Speak respectfully.
Share facts, not assessments
Evaluation: You’re lazy. You’re always looking for excuses.
Fact: The last three times you refused to help me clean, so I cleaned alone.
Explain how you see the situation
Be consistent: Before you jump to conclusions, describe the chain of events that led you to those thoughts.
Bad: You don’t appreciate my hard work.
Good: Last Sunday you refused to help me clean, so I cleaned up alone. And when I came back from work on Monday, I found a dirty stove in the kitchen, and on the floor in the bedroom – a stain from spilled tea. It hurt me: I had been tidying up all Sunday, and on Monday the apartment was dirty again. I got the feeling that you do not appreciate my work.
Avoid being categorical
Remember that the person you are talking to is entitled to an opinion different from yours. Make it clear that you respect someone else’s point of view.
Bad: In families where both partners work, household chores should be shared equally. Anyone who thinks otherwise is retrograde and sexist!
Good: I think since we both work, it would be fair to divide household chores equally. How do you feel about that?
6. Listen thoughtfully
Ask for the other person’s opinion.
Maintain a safe atmosphere so he/she can speak freely: do not interrupt, do not get distracted, remain calm and friendly.
Be aware of non-verbal cues
If the interlocutor’s facial expressions or actions contradict what he/she is saying, point out the discrepancy. Probably, the interlocutor is not completely frank, because he no longer feels safe.
– Oleg, how do you feel about devoting time to cleaning every Sunday?
– I don’t care. We’ll do as you say.
– You say you don’t care, but you look unhappy. If you don’t like that option, we can talk about another one.
– You know, it really isn’t the best option. I just didn’t want to argue again.
Help the other person to express his position
If, in a safe atmosphere, the person still isn’t telling you something, make a suggestion about what he’s thinking and feeling. Sometimes all it takes is a little nudge for the person to readily continue.
– Oleg, you probably think that you will have less time for rest and favorite activities?
– You’re right. I’m afraid of drowning in a domestic routine.
Agree out loud.
If the person you’re talking to voices a thought you agree with, say so. In most cases, people continue to argue over minor disagreements, losing sight of the fact that in the main and truly important points they agree with each other.
– Irina, I don’t want to devote a whole weekend to cleaning.
– I agree, on the weekends you want to relax, not clean up. We can give cleaning for 15 minutes on weekdays, and leave the weekend for our favorite things. How about this?
7. Come up with a plan.
It’s not enough to properly negotiate and come to a joint decision. It is necessary to make a plan to implement what has been planned: think about concrete steps, agree on deadlines, distribute responsibility. Otherwise, agreements will remain words, and the conflict will not be resolved.
As a result of the conflict, Oleg and Irina figured out how to cope with cleaning with minimal effort and not lose motivation.
Allocate money from the family budget for household appliances: dishwasher, robot vacuum cleaner, multicooker. Deadline: until the end of the week. Responsible: Oleg.
Delegate cleaning service to clean the hood of grease and dirt. Deadline: until the end of the week. Responsible: Irina.
Cook dinners together for 2-3 days. While cooking, listen to podcasts. Start today.
On weekdays after dinner, it’s time for jet clean. The timer counts down 15 minutes, you have to have time to clean your area. Start Today.
Add game elements to cleaning. Assign points to each household task: throw out the trash – 3, wipe the dust – 5, vacuum – 10, clean the toilet – 15. Score points in a table, and at the end of the month sum up the results. Loser prepares a surprise for the winner: a massage, a cake or a book – any nice little thing. And if the rivals scored the same number of points, you can arrange an entertainment for two. The start of the game is the beginning of the next month.
What to do if the conflict is not resolved
In an ideal world, participants in a conflict respect each other’s needs, control their emotions and find a joint solution to the problem. In reality, there is a chance that the conversation will not work out, the conflict will not be resolved at the first time or at all. Evgeny Ilyin in his book The Psychology of Communication and Interpersonal Relations identifies three unfavorable outcomes of a conflict situation: avoidance of conflict, confrontation and coercion. Below we will consider what can be done in each of them.
When an interlocutor walks away from a conversation
Obviously, you should not start a dialogue if the person is sick, experiencing strong emotions (anger, resentment, sadness), or busy. However, you should keep in mind that the person may use excuses to avoid discussing the problem.
1. be persistent and agree on a specific time frame
– Oleg, I value our relationship very much. It saddens me that lately we often quarrel about cleaning. Can we discuss this problem now?
– I’m watching soccer, let’s do it later.
Bad: You don’t care about our relationship!
Good: When does the match end? Can we talk afterwards?
2. Ask why the person you’re talking to is avoiding the conversation
Ask or speculate. Perhaps he is not comfortable discussing certain topics because of his upbringing (e.g., sex) or because of past negative experiences. It is important to maintain a safe atmosphere: do not push, do not accuse, do not criticize.
– Oleg, I noticed that you are uncomfortable discussing cleaning. Maybe you think that I will criticize you, but I just want to calmly discuss the problem and find a joint solution.
3 Explain that it is important to discuss the problem now
Otherwise in the future the negative emotions will accumulate like a snowball.
– Oleg, lately we often quarrel about cleaning. The longer there is a problem, the more the quality of our relationship suffers: accumulated irritation and mutual resentment. Let’s talk.
Repeatedly walking away from a dialogue without a good reason can demonstrate the indifference of the person you’re talking to to your needs. Consider whether you are willing to continue a relationship in which the other party is not interested.
When the agreement is not working
You and the person you are talking to are not able to find a common solution: each insists on his point of view. When all the reasonable arguments are used up, resentments, insults, claims begin to fly, the dialogue turns into a scandal.
1. Set Rules.
They will help not to go beyond a constructive conversation. For example, use only I-speak: instead of recriminations and accusations, talk about your own thoughts and emotions that arose in response to the situation.
Bad: Oleg, you’re lazy. Instead of helping me clean, you spend hours watching TV. You treat me like a free servant.
Okay: Oleg, I think it is unfair the way household chores are distributed. It saddens me that I do a lot of things alone: cooking, washing dishes, cleaning the apartment on weekends. This leaves me with little time for rest and my favorite activities. I want to redistribute duties.
2. Invite a moderator.
An impartial third person will help steer the dialogue in a peaceful direction and find a joint solution. The moderator can be a family psychologist, a colleague from a nearby department or a mutual friend – the main thing is that the person should not be interested in the conflict.
When the opponent imposes his conditions
Sometimes the interlocutor tries to impose his point of view at any cost, even if it threatens to worsen or break up the relationship. He imposes conditions tolerate or leave, obey or wait for the consequences. Irina, I believe that the cleaning should be done by a woman, so as a matter of principle, I will not help. If you are not satisfied with this arrangement – live with my mother, Oleg, if you do not help me around the house, I’ll divorce you.
Coercion is the least favorable outcome of the conflict: the participant demonstrates lack of respect for your needs and intolerance of other people’s views.
Explain to the interlocutor, that such categorical language is inappropriate: together we can find a solution that suits everyone. If the person continues to insist on the outcome is only convenient for him – think whether you need unequal relationships, where you constantly have to endure and give in.
Memo of the participant of the conflict
Answer the questions so you can be better prepared for dialogue:
– What do I want to get for myself?
– What do I want to get for my opponent?
– What do I want to get for our relationship?
2. Watch for signals to recognize the moment of loss of security: physical reactions, emotions, behavior.
3. Restore safety:
– apologize;
– explain;
– seek common purpose.
4. Control your emotions. Ask yourself questions that will help you look at the situation differently:
– Am I trying to overlook my role in creating this problem?
– Why would a reasonable, decent, and rational person do this?
– What can I do to move forward to achieve what I want?
5. Speak respectfully:
– Share the facts;
– speak coherently about your view of the situation;
– avoid being categorical.
6. Listen thoughtfully:
– be interested in the interlocutor’s opinion;
– Point out inconsistencies between words and emotions;
– Make assumptions about your opponent’s thoughts and feelings;
– Agree openly.
7. Think through a plan:
– describe specific steps;
– agree on a timeline;
– assign responsibility.
